Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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