I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
