His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
