The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you win again, gameday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
