I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
