if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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