she was so not down for the gang bang
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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