And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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