ugly people sure do ruin things
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
