please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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