The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
