My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
