i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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