Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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