He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You did what with his pubic hair?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
