I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
