Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
