After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
