I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
