I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
