He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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