"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
