next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
