Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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