Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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