The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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