He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
