By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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