I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
