No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
