Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
