Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
and she was petting her beer can
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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