i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
