2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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