there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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