Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need moral support for this bender
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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