i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
