Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
