I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
