Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
