Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
there was a trapeze. enough said
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
