I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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