when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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