I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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