the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I need moral support for this bender
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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