yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
