you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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