Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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