My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
