and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
